Who would have thought...

Over the past few years I have done a little bit of everything to celebrate the new year. But, despite being in different locations and doing different things, one thing was consistent, I had a great time spending it with people I love.

Years in Review:
'06 -- After an invite from @Drbemps, @mainedramapro and @biggtime3 and I traveled to NY to party in the Empire State Building. The attire was grown and sexy, which fit right into the campaign that the Fab 4 had spent the year promoting. @mainedramapro and I had driven to NY early to spend time with @drbemps at his place in Purchase, NY, @biggtime3 came up on New Year's Eve from NJ for the party. After grabbing a bite to eat, we began our trek into the city... that's when it went downhill... we drove around and around and around looking for a place to park before riding the train down. Despite the energy and excitement of partying in the empire state building for the New Year we were on the train when the ball dropped. HOWEVER, after spending money on tolls and train fare, I was going to have a good time. We didn't stay in the city too long, but @drbemps and I made the most of the night. Went back turned the music up, made smoothies and partied.... What was really interesting about this New Year was the convo I had had the week before with my mom... who knew I had a crush on @biggtime3. She asked if I was going to take advantage of the custom of kissing someone at midnight.. yeah, no... that wasn't going to happen.

'07 -- Again, a night with quality people and great fun, with a twist. After traveling to NJ to spend Christmas with @biggtime3's family, I traveled to NC to spend time with my family, with plans to be back by New Year's Eve. To celebrate, I invited about 10-12 friends over to my apartment for breakfast at 1am. This gave everyone the chance to worship at their respective places before we got together. On my way home from NC, I stopped at the grocery store to stock the fridge for all necessary ingredients for the breakfast. After LUGGING all the groceries and my luggage into the apartment I discovered that my refrigerator had broken during my time in NC. So, the food I had in the fridge.. ruined. The food I just purchased on the way to be ruined... But, with @drbemps by my side, we again make the most of it. After traveling BACK to the store, we make the patio the fridge for the night. Again, a night of music turned way up, friends laughing and joking and getting to know one another. Despite the craziness of the night, worship at church was great that night, the bonding with friends was great... and a major difference, I could have kissed @biggtime3 to ring in the New Year if I weren't at church and if he weren't at target.

'08 -- That New Year, was a chill one. @deriberry and I had driven in from NY. The holidays for this year were spread around in various states. Christmas in NC, few days in NJ after Christmas, then a train ride to NY for the new year. But, when the ball dropped I was in MD, sitting next to @biggtime3. We had breakfast, drank some cider and watched Dick Clark. Again, I great one, bonding, some laughs and a bit of frustration.

'09 -- In two hours the ball will drop, people will cheer, and the folks in Times Square will see that hypothermia wasn't worth it. However, I will experience another New Year with folks that I care about and share a few laughs. But, a major difference is this year... this year is the last year that I'll answer to Ms. Pinckney. This time next year, I'll ring in the new year with a new name and a new role. Even though, I don't expect to see too much change... but, I have to acknowledge that it may exist. But, who would have thought... three years ago, @biggtime3 was just a crush now he's the fiancee.

Happy New Year!!

Learning from others...

Life is about learning different things... learning in the physical classroom, learning from the school of hard knocks, learning from your mistakes, learning from your belief systems,etc. But, how often do we truly learn from the mistakes of others? How many of us truly watch what others experience and modify our own behavior in order to avoid the hurt and pain that they've felt. I know many of us learned that we shouldn't touch hot things because they burn, we've learned not to run out in the street... you know the things that can cause physical harm and danger. But, do we learn to avoid the mental and emotional harm and danger from the mistakes of others?

In seven months I'll be getting married to a great guy, which I'm excited about but I'm also scared about. The concept of marriage is very intriguing to me, some last for years with limited problems others are over and done with before they could even send out thank you cards. In addition, life is so fleeting. Nothing is promised, nothing is guaranteed, nothing is truly set in stone... there are so many "what ifs" in life. The notion of the sudden lose of life is not foreign to me: 7/5/04 I lost my best friend, 7/30/09 a sister lost her husband, 12/7/09 a sister lost her mother... who's to say that I won't lose someone or my family won't lose me...

This blog isn't meant or intended to be morbid, but realistic... since Justin and I started having more serious conversations about getting married my dad has attempted to school me on the concept of marriage on a regular basis. Whenever the conversations start, I roll my eyes and breathe a heavy sigh... and simply reply, "Daddy, we've paid attention and learned what NOT to do". On January 16, 2010 my parents will celebrate their 27th wedding anniversary, however, their marriage hasn't been bliss always. I can't fake I've watched them have good times, great times, and hard times. I've thought to myself, I wouldn't do that in this situation or I would have done this in that situation, but as I matured and reflected on those thoughts, I can't say for sure if I would have done anything different.

However, one thing I can say, I have learned to pay A LOT of attention to my surroundings and evaluate what I will and won't accept in my future especially going into my marriage. I want my marriage to be open, passionate, and influential. I admire old couples who have endured the hardships of their relationship, the world around them and the issues that simply come with being human. And at the heart of all of this.... are you ready for the deep thought and skill needed... effective communication. This is something that I have learned from the marriages around me, the good, the bad and the ugly. If I haven't learned anything else that can protect me from emotional and mental harm, it's the value of effective communication. Unfortunately, I've learned the concept but I haven't learned to fully implement. I'm still learning and perfecting the use of my words to share my mind and heart with the people that I love. And as I learn, I have to learn the way the people around me communicate... I can't get mad if they don't understand me because I'm not speaking their language...

Still learning...

The Last Time…

Today Justin and I loaded up his car to drive to NJ for Christmas. This is the second time in our relationship that I have woke up Christmas morning with the Davises. Last year, I spent Christmas in NC then continued my tour of the East Coast, NJ with the Davises, NY with Shaderi then back to MD for New Years Eve.

But, on to the topic at hand, since October 17th the proposal, I've heard that "this will be the last time you do this" or "this is the last time you do that" because in less than a year's time my life will be different. I understand that next Christmas I will answer to Mrs. Davis, members in the MAR region will have two RAMAs with the last name Davis, and I will have a new role in life, wife. But will this name change and additional role truly color my perception and outlook on life experiences? I recognize that I wont be able to have slumber parties at my house whenever I want, I will have another person's thoughts, feelings and opinions to consider when making decisions. But, will this change my life in such a way that everything I do between now and July 25th be the last time I do something? Yes, it will be the last time I experience these things as a "single lady" a la Beyonce, yes it will be the last time I fill out forms with a hypenated last name, but will my ideals, thoughts and mentality change that dramatically?

I'll have to see? catch you next Christmas for a year in review.

Brothers… The Movie

Last night, a few sisters and I went to see the movie Brothers. Interesting movie, overall anti-climatic, however it hit home with me in a completely different way. The synopsis of the film: One brother is killed during a military tour, his family is distraught and his brother fills in the void. The twist is that the military brother returns after the relationships with the living brother has occurred.

Again, anti-climatic, but watching the fictional experiences of the soldier was hard to take. I have a cousin who is like a brother to me. When we were younger we were called Scooter & Skeeter, you know the Muppet Babies characters. Despite living states away from each other we were inseparable. He is currently stationed in Afghanistan. This is just one of his many tours since the start of the war. Each time he has to leave state-side my heart aches. But, I can't imagine what his wife and children are going through when he has to leave.

I thought about my cousin a lot during this film. I thought about the experiences that he has shared with me, I thought about the family events that he'll and he has missed, I thought about the nightmares that he probably has and the images that he'll never forget. I thought about the fatigue that I hear in his voice and the lack of sleep that he gets. All these things made my heart hurt. Then I thought about what life will be like when he comes home. Will those images and nightmares impact his daily experiences? Will his family know how to respond when he doesn't act the way he did before he left? Will my relationship with him be as strong as it once was?

One thing I do know is, I can't wait to see him again! I can't wait for him to meet Justin, I'm sure that TLC isn't even happy with his threats via the computer of Justin. I expected and appreciated the threats, some things never change.

To the readers of this blog who have friends, family, etc in the military, I encourage you to pray for them, send them a card or e-mail periodically sharing with them things from home, love on them from a distance. Remind them that they have not been forgotten, if they have families here, do the same for them, love on them.

The End of the Road

On December 18,2009 i walked out of BWES probably for the last time. My school counseling internship has come to an end. I had an 8th grade teacher who said at the end of every class, " the clock on the wall says all good things must come to an end", I'm not sure if my internship was a good thing or not.

I learned somethings about myself as well as things that I want to do in the future. I've learned that:

*** I have no desire to work in an elementary school, but I will take a job at that level because being unemployed for another year isn't it!

*** I can attempt to make the most of any situation, but this year I seemed to come up with what seemed like a ZILLION reasons not to go to my internship. I think it's time for me to watch the Anatomy of Character by Pastor Battle again!

*** I love, repeat, LOVE black people. The community that I worked with during my internship differed greatly from the community that I taught in? But, as much as I love them, I hate what some of them are doing to their children. If you haven't seen, recognized or acknowledged generational curses in your life or those around you, start looking for them! I worked with families with baby mama drama, grandparents raising babies as their own, mothers with four and five kids by 24, etc. It hurt my heart, but helped empower me to do better in my own future as well as help me to see that helping the children REQUIRES helping the parents.

*** I don't handle too well people trying to play me for the fool. Or attempting to take my kindness for weakness. It makes me grow distant from you?

*** I can't wait to be a mommy! Well, I can wait? but working with the Pre-K students made it clear the value of parental involvement and taking time to practice certain skills with your children before they come to school.

Overall, I'm glad that it's finished. I appreciate what I learned about the school counseling profession and myself.

The Concept of Marriage

In the past several months the news has been filled with traumatic events, as usual. However, in recent weeks the drama with Tiger Woods has been in the forefront of visual and print media. As a result, the concept of marriage has also been up for debate. From the pages of tweets to radio commentary, the masses have had plenty to say. During this week alone I've heard some really disturbing ideas and feelings about marriage and the notion of cheating.

While driving into my internship I heard a radio show personality share the thoughts of a listener to this effect: "men will cheat because they do not benefit from marriage". I was disgusted! This guy had the audacity to say that only women get anything out of marriage? for real dude?!? After I called him a punk and glared at the dashboard, I realized that his mentality might be an extreme slant on the current view of marriage. It seems that the concept of marriage, even more the concept of commitment is more of a dirty word than the actual "four-letter" words that have become a norm. In 2009 I have attended five weddings so far with another one on deck, I know that these couples have gone through their own set of issues, their ups and downs, etc. but they have been committed to their respective relationships.

Why is this such a hard and foreign concept?!? We can't commit in relationships, cellphone plans, even car leases?

In the same broadcast, another listener expressed that since Tiger Woods makes so much money he shouldn't have gotten married because the money gives him the chance to do anything. Again, disgusted! Another radio personality made a quality statement in response though, does his money give him the right to throw out morality! That statement was the main reason for the blog? is our lack of morality as a culture the reason why 51% of marriages end in divorce? And for a bit of inside knowledge, that percentage is the same in the Christian community and doesn't include the flippant marriages of Hollywood So, readers what is it that's causing this lack of follow through? We can only sit back and blame it on mommy and daddy for so long, when will we accept responsibility for our own morality, commitment to a greater quality of life with someone else, and setting the standards for our children. Will the generational curses end with us? Or continue to multiply the strength of the disabling dysfunction that is divorce?

Make Marriage work? it's worth it!

I am an "As Is" Purchase

As I traveled to Detroit to meet another portion of the Davis family, I listened to an old podcast from The Bridge in Silver Spring, Md. During his message from the Amazing Church series, Pastor Jumaine Jones mentioned that Christ made an "as is" purchase for my life. That was so outstanding to me!

I love watching court shows, so I am very familiar with the term. I've even taught American Government students about the concept of making an "as is" purchase. In the business sense of the term, it means that the purchaser knows what they are getting into. They are supposed to have an understanding that their purchase may fall apart in minutes or last a life time, either way if they have a problem they can't get their money back from the seller.

This made me uber excited. God knew what He was getting when His Son sacrificed His life on my behalf. He knew my mess, He knew that my exterior was a cover up of a bad engine, faulty wiring and that spare time? woo ? ;-)! But, unlike buyers who don't like what they get, God decided to make the investment. He invested the love, the time, and the energy to make me better. He's working from the inside out, replacing hurt feelings with forgiveness and love, faulty thinking with His word, and changing my outward demeanor with the glow of His presence. The part that truly makes me amped, is His consistency! Even if I haven's talked to Him in days or months even, He continues to provide and protect. When I do things that may make Him cringe, He still consoles and comforts during times of hurt and pain.

I was an "as is" purchase, and despite all that He has gotten with calling me His daughter, He is willing to make me better!

An organized life...

On more than one occasion I have told myself or someone else to get their life in order. Either because they have done something that's completely out of character, unusual or unacceptable. But, in the last few months I have felt like my life is in fact out of order. I feel all over the place... the first thing that comes to mind is watching some of the 5 year-olds that I work with who spin around in circles to make themselves dizzy... they laugh and smile, but at the end of the "fun" they are disorientated and confused.

That's how I've been feeling. I feel like my life is all over the place. I have stuff for my internship. I have assignments for my class, I have this new part-time job stuff, and I have ANQ stuff... oh, and the biggie... I have relationships that I love and would like to maintain. Typically, I've very organized, I'm able to balance it all, however, this semester... yeah... this semester... I just can't seem to get things together. I haven't been able to pinpoint what's off, but I need to find out NOW! I feel overwhelmed, I feel confused and borderline frustrated. I really want to hone in on this issue and fix it, so that I can be productive.

But, I can say that I'm glad to be about half way done with my internship. I was hoping that I would be able to blog more about my experiences at the elementary school, but I haven't seemed to have the time... again, the disorder and confusion... I've had an alright experience, but the babies aren't for me. Give me the high school students, who I can get smart with, use sarcasm and potentially carry... these kids would cry. More importantly, give me my own space... I'm usually a quick learner, I don't like for other people to hover over me while I'm working or try to force me to conform to their way of doing things. I have my own style and my own comfort levels... please don't try to make you any a mini-anything... Let me open my wings and experience the thunderstorms of defeat as well as the sun rays of good times.

Hopefully, I can make it through the rest of this year operating on auto-pilot and the dropping of the NYC ball will give me the push that I need to get my life in order. The 15 credits that I'm registered for... the wedding that I'm planning for... the new element of a long distance relationship that will be added to my life soon enough...

Daddy, help me to live with some order...

Round One

Last night, I began the "journey" of finding my wedding dress! For those of you who didn't know, I have a disdain for trying on clothes and a slightly lesser disdain for dresses. So, even though this experience has been magical for some and will be exciting for others, I could have passed on it. I tried on a total of 9 dresses over a span of two hours. While my mom and Mel looked on, I stepped on that little pedestal thing, twirled around, walked around the store and made faces. Some dresses were nice don't get me wrong, but the price tag that usually hung uncomfortably under my arm, made the statement of... "it's just one day. You can be "uncomfortable for just one day"... silly to me.

Although, I've always dreamed of being married, tossed around the idea of being a stay at home mom, I've never dreamed about my actual wedding... well, I have but those folks who know that plan won't let me have it ;-). Because I'm not the Hollywood described bride, you know the type... have an ENTIRE notebook of what her wedding will be like, minus the husband. They knew exactly what type of dress, when they wanted the wedding, the dj, etc. Yeah, I had none of that... well, I know I don't want to look like Cinderella! Other than that, I have no clue...

But, I can say despite my not so excited out look on trying on clothes or dresses... the one thing I can get excited about is I'm marrying Justin D. Davis... oh, and I'll just have one last name ;-). Filling out those forms and running out of boxes is not the business.

I'll keep everyone posted on the second round of dress shopping.

The Story you've been waiting for...

...a deep sigh of contentment... On Saturday night, October 17, 2009, Justin D. Davis changed my life once again.

Despite the rainy weather, the cold temperatures, by the time I feel asleep Saturday/Sunday morning my heart was on fire. I've loved before, but the feelings that I felt Saturday night were unbelievable!

So, my "fairy tale" proposal:

Under the premise of doing a photo shoot as something fun to do, Justin and I traveled to the National Harbor in PG. The day had already been a long one. That morning I had gone out to get my hair done, before coming home to grab a quick nap. When I arrived home, my dad had done some Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor type home improvement. Which means what, my mom was peeved and the water was off in the house. To me all of this was the perfect conditions for my nap. After my nap, I got dressed for the evening, Justin was scheduled to pick me up at 5, but was running late... as usual. But, what I didn't know was that he was running late because he was getting his family who had driven down from NJ situated at his apartment before they headed out to meet us.

Justin fights through the traffic of 295, which is bad rain or shine, to pick me up so we can head to Largo for my make-up session. By the time we got there it was already 6pm... so, things are already starting off behind schedule, but I'm still going along for the ride... I had to, by this point I was hungry and our dinner reservation was for 7:30! But, the make-up session went well, Kim did a great job and Melanie was a wonderful assistant! Little did I know that they were both in on the surprise.

Because of the rain, our original plans of taking the photos on the dock of the National Harbor were out, so we relocated to the beautiful atrium of the Gaylord Hotel. The backdrop for one of the greatest nights of my life, was gorgeous. There was a beautiful foundation, an indoor garden and a quaint little cottage... yes, all indoors, needless to say the prices for this hotel are not posted on expedia or hotels.com.

After an hour of taking pictures, with G floating around taking a number of candid shots, Justin began a conversation about discipleship that had been sparked by a question regarding his "dinner" experience from Friday night. He began talking about the major element of discipleship is being intentional. We cannot expect change, dedication and development if we aren't intention with our actions and objectives. This all made sense to me, since we were discussing "dinner" until Justin began talking about being intentional about our happily ever after... huh?!? I'm sure that they didn't talk about happily ever after at "dinner" for the frat, so the confusion began. But, from there Justin talked about being intentional with God, asking Him to reveal the desires of his heart concerning his future wife. And he shared with me, that each time God revealed an attribute he would see that thing in me. Time and time again, Justin said that God moved in that way, during our friendship and the early parts of our relationship. Needless to say, at this point, I'm stuck on stupid as the old folks say, I was trying not to look completely confused and start crying... since G was still taking pictures. Suddenly, Justin began to fumble in his pocket and out of his pocket came a beautiful white box, which he opened to reveal a beautiful ring... and with that the phrase that I only dreamed would come from him, "Diayle Jasmine will you marry me?"

I know I said yes, but I also remember saying, that I should have said no, since we're out in public... but, I know that really wasn't an option, I love him so much for that night. But, my evening of surprises wasn't over... remember, I'm still starving! After, we take a few more pictures, the four of us travel over to Public Charter House to have dinner... I was expecting an intimate dinner during which I could call my family and friends, only to be greeted by a room full of our loved ones! He just continued the surprises! The room was filled with people who have had such a great impact on our lives as individuals as well as our lives as a couple. Our parents were there, siblings, a majority of our bridal party as well as D.Dzirasa who saw this thing before we did ;-). By the end of the night, I was exhausted by happy...

Next to salvation, making me a better person from the inside out, and continual grace... Justin is the best thing that God has ever given me!

The Adoption Process...

No, I'm not thinking of adopting... well, not right now at least, but it is something that I desire to do in the future.. but on to the thoughts running through my head.

A few Sundays ago, Pastor Battle used Romans 8 as a focus on his sermon on suffering. During his message he mentioned the notion of believers being adopted by God if we choose to live by His Spirit (Romans 8:14,15). So, this got me thinking about the adoption process in the natural sense. I haven't known anyone personally to go through the adoption process, however, I did have a colleague at CHS who was going through the process. Unfortunately, after three years of going through the steps of adopting a foreign born child... and by steps I mean, contacting an adoption agency, researching the country's policies, paying $14K, and visiting a few orphanages during our holiday breaks she received some devastating news.... the adoption agency had gone under due to the economic conditions. So, after three years of time, emotional investment and energy she had nothing to show for it... but an empty void.

Having her story in my memory bank, that notion of being God's adopted child hit home with a different feel. As I've thought more and more on this topic I decided to take it one step further by goggling the adoption process. To begin the adoption process, domestic or international, a person must first research the adoption agency that they choose to work with, before going through the steps of home visits, form completion, fingerprinting and background checks. Prior to even meeting a child, the potential parents must go through a number of steps to be deemed fit to even adopt a child. My summary of the process only took up less than a minute's worth of time to type and read, however, to those individuals going through the process much more time is invested.

The biggest part of the whole adoption thing that stood out to me, is the "pairing" of parent to child. If you saw the movie Orphan you know that the parents and child don't always get along. And in order to provide the proper things for all parties involved, there is a form of a "return policy". If the relationships between the two parties don't seem to gel well in the early stages the process ends there... this statement definitely applies more to adopting older children, I doubt an infant will give you too much of an issue.

Now, the part that has had me perplexed is the idea that I am adopted by God, but there is no "return policy". He knew I sucked before He allowed His Son to shed His blood. He knew that I would mess up beyond compare, He knew that I would make the choices that I've made, He knew that I would say that comment, make that facial expression, hurt that person, put my own physical/emotional/social/whatever feelings before glorifying Him... yet, He still adopted me! He said, "Daughter, I want you to have My last name. I want you to take full advantage of My legacy. I want you to rest in My arms for protection, for security, for comfort and for guidance. I want you to know that I love you more than any person that you'll encounter. Daughter, come to Me and I'll give you the desires of your heart, I'll give you rest, and I'll be the completeness that you desire."

I'm adopted! My biological parents are great, they are supportive, they love me, they've dealt with my mess, they've laughed at me and cried with me, but they couldn't save me. My adopted Father is my true source.

Funny how time flies when your having fun....

October 3rd was year two... and for the last week this Janet Jackson song has been running through my head. When anniversaries come around I like to reflect on how my life has progressed since the start of my relationship and I'm so happy to say that... he makes me happy daily... he has made me better. And all I can say is THANKS! But, even more he challenges me to be a true woman...

My small group and I are reading the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. We've only worked through the first chapter, but I've learned so much already. One statement stood out the most and reminded me of my relationship with Justin. "A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man, it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero." (pg. 18). After reading that statement, I was floored. I can say that's what Justin has done for me. Relationships in the past they've been alright, and that's being nice. Realistically, no woman wants to take the lead all the time. But, he has told me no, taken the lead and loved me with all my ups and downs. Our relationship was birthed out of a friendship (and a campaign of friends ;-)) but I wouldn't change a thing. The lessons I learned on patience, on submission, and on love have been outstanding. He allows me to fully open my heart, I can trust him with it without fear that he'll damage it... it's a great feeling. More importantly, he is the counter to all that I've ever thought about being an independent woman. That I have to be in charge always, that I have to control and plan all things, that I have to follow a certain formula for love... nope, he holds my heart tendering and makes decisions with me in mind. But, more importantly he loves God more than he loves me. That makes everything worth it...

From the fall of 2003, Justin has held a special place in my heart. As a great frat brother, one who took the ministry of Alpha Nu Omega, Inc. seriously, he caught my attention. As a great friend and brother, who never came at me with other intentions, but to support and protect, he gained more of my love and attention. On December 26, 2007, we shared the phrase "I Love You" and those words have continued to ring in my heart and through out relationship. With conflicting ideas on topics, we still express ourselves in love, when making future decisions we consider one another with love, in our expressions of feelings love is always the focus.

After years of friendship and romance, I realized with this milestone, that I love him more today, than yesterday, I'll love him more tomorrow and it will only grow exponentially as we experience more.

Classroom of Suffering...

Happy Birthday Dalmaree M'Blouah Nayreau! Today she would have been 27. On July 5, 2004, my best friend passed away suddenly. I felt so many feelings on that day, grief, hurt, surprise, numbness, but I also felt God's will. For those of you who truly know me, you know that I'm a sap. Underneath this "hard" exterior, it quietly, a girly-girl, romantic comedies make me misty at times, but typically I don't do crying in public. However, in the self-checkout line of Home Depot with a sister from Theta I wept. I received a phone call from another friend of Nay's, my nickname for her, when two good friends have the same starting initial we both can't go by "D". I was D she was Nay and together we were unstoppable, who said that the Drs didn't know what else to do, so I should just pray. While I stood there receipt in hand, the flood gates opened, I cried. My chest felt tight and I cried. Then the "exterior" returned. I had to get to the hospital and I had to get there quick. After calling another friend and my parents to get directions to the hospital, I was told to come home. No one wanted me to drive myself, but everyone was taking too long to get me to her side. I wanted to touch her, I wanted to pray for her, I wanted to change the world for her and her mother.

You see, Nay was an only child being raised by a single mom, to some that seems like no big deal. Nay was Liberian. Her culture was that as a child she would take care of her mother, but now Mommy Nayreau has no one. But, as I rode in the back seat, while my father took the scenic route to Holy Cross Hospital, which again seemed to take HOURS, I sat with my head back and just prayed. We arrived at the hospital and I just prayed, until God said "worship me, My will is being done". So, I excused myself, went to the bathroom, stepped into a stall and sang. Not, the under your breath, humming worship. But, solo, standing in front of the mic, sang. I'm sure ppl walking by heard me, but it didn't matter, my God said to worship Him because His will was being done. I moved onto the second song and heard the door open and a second voice, then a third. We worshiped... we cried. After finally going upstairs, we sat in a waiting room full of ppl before Mommy came out to say, "it is finished". Dalmaree passed away at 21 years old. Even though my heart ACHED, I had a sense of peace. Every year the hurt returns on/around July 5th and Sept 30th. My heart feels sad, my life feels a little gray. She's missed so much, my five years of teaching, Jamiel graduating from high school, my relationship with Justin, she'll miss my wedding, she'll miss Samantha's baby, she missed Ayana's little boy and her wedding.

Today, September 30, 2009, I cried again from the pain of the loss of my friend. I miss her. On Sunday, Pastor Battle talked about the classroom of suffering. I hadn't been to Zion all month. With being out of town and doing other things, I hadn't been. But, this Sunday, I sat between two friends, who in the last 18 months have been through some things. One struggling with a virus that she doesn't understand and doesn't want to continue to deal with the burden of and the other who continues and will continue to feel the loss of her husband. During worship we were able to worship together, we were able to lift our hands for our various issues along with the other people at Zion. But, during the message one friend felt free enough to allow her tears of pain to flow, even as she chuckled along with others at "I'm finite.. I'm from Fairmont Heights". Her tears provoked my nature to comfort and pray, I put my arm around her and just be there. But, I want so desperately to hug away her pain, to bring back a happiness that she lost but I can't. I can't do that for Mommy Nayreau, I can't take away my sister's frustration with her illness, I can't remove my own hurt for the loss of a woman, who in 10th grade we were going to fight in World Civilization, but my June of 2000 we were ready and willing to throw blows together against someone else, then again in the summer of 2001 we were ready to go jump on the guy who thought it was okay to beat up Samantha. I can't take away the pain that any of us feel, I can simply worship God. In all of this, in all the pain we experience, I have to remember to worship, because His voice will still whisper, My Will is being done.

Old Fashion?!?!?!

Over the past few months I've had conversations with different people about the current nature of male/female relationships. But, after a conversation with a good friend last night, shout out to DrBemps, we came to realize that we just might be old fashion. He is currently taking a class that focuses on the interactions of Black Males and Black Females, and during one class discussion, the concept of women asking me out became the topic of conversation. It was after his recap of the class discussion that we both realized that we might just be old fashion. It is the expectation that a guy approach a girl, that a guy pursue the girl as well as take charge. However, Dr. found that in his class this was far from the male perspective. The male perspective was that a girl should approach the guy, that everything should be dutch and a guy paying for the date is far from an option. Earlier this summer a female friend and I had a similar conversation. She was telling me about an experience she had on the metro, it went sorta like this... "he looked at her, she looked at him, he waited for her to approach, she hit me up on bbm to tell me about how whack he was for not being man enough to step to her"... end scene.

So, these two events combined with a few other casual discussions have led me to believe that I, along with a majority of my friends, may be old fashion. And by old fashion I mean, as a female I expect a male to approach me and make his intentions know, as a female I would feel weird about asking out a guy that I like, and... and that's just the way it is. Now, there are a few "gray area" situations... but the major one that I've seen is the transition from good friends to committed couple. This can deviate from the norm of.. guy approaches girl, girl sets standard of "hard to get", guy continues to pursue. Even though, I've experienced this transition first hand, there is still a certain level of male approach involved.

After taking two days to write this blog, my major question is... why has this "system" of dating, courtship, "talking", whatever you want to call it changed? Are the people 25+ really that different from those who are still in undergrad? Or has there been a break in communication from parents/guardians as to what a male should do in dating relationships? Or is this another issue in which our parents' practices and behaviors have impacted our behaviors, so we need to do some self-evaluations to change our mentality.



Comments and discussion are welcome!!!

Green Eyed Monster vs. A Green Thumb

In the last few months I have seen and had conversations with almost every guy I dated since High School. I always had mixed feelings in seeing them, but mostly the situations brought up memories. Memories of happy times, memories on how the relationships started and definitely how they ended. Some of those relationships began with a "grass is greener" mentality, either I was in a relationship before we started dating or he was in a relationship. In reflecting on these relationships, I thought more on that old phrase, the grass is greener on the other side. Now, that I look back on those relationships and think about the awesome relationship I have now, I have a different perspective on that old phrase.

The grass appears to be greener on the other side, but what is the other owner doing? Is your grass drying up because you fail to invest time, energy and resources into the maintenance and upkeep of your property. Is the other owner watering their lawn (relationship) with the resource of effective communication, wise counsel and spiritual insight or are you relying on the weather to nourish your investment? Weather is just as unpredictable as life, thunderstorms come with such intensity as sexual temptations, an interested colleague, or self imposed drama.

For me this insight came in looking at past relationships, but the same can be said for the other things we view as investments. Are we envious of someone else's spiritual gifts, talents, and/or ministries, but fail to do what is needed to experience growth in our own lives. Are we frustrated that we aren't advancing in our careers, but fail to arrive on time, take the initiative to improve your standing at work, etc.

So, I challenge you to ask yourself, what are you looking at with a green eye rather than getting down and dirty with a GREEN THUMB!

MAR Retreat...

The long awaited retreat has to a degree come and gone. All that remains in corporate worship on the campus of Delaware State University. It's been YEARS since I've been in this area for ANQ related business, but I'm glad to be here. Two weeks ago, I can honestly say I was concerned. Concerned that things wouldn't fall into place, concerned that it would rain and the cookout would be ruined, concerned that folks wouldn't show, concerned that people wouldn't enjoy themselves. But, God reminded me that my faith isn't small enough... as in small as a mustard seed. He has trusted the MART with a great task and I short changed His abilities. When 125 people showed up in the Spring, when we doubted, I shouldn't have continued to trust on the past experiences. When He has done more than enough for us. And I'm sure some folks with return to their campuses and grip, they will return to their chapters and complain, but I am more than confident that those people will be in the small percentage. I can trust that God is developing leaders, I can trust that God is building up a new, unique and energized membership that are ready to devastate the kingdom of darkness under the banner of Alpha Nu Omega, Inc. with a new sense of ownership to the greatness that comes with membership. I can trust that God is going to move from the bottom -- up. Impacting first the undergraduate members to change the way they think, the way they function and the way they operate on their campuses to fall into holiness rather into sin. To seek out deeper relationships with Him in order to manifest His vision for the organization and their lives with passion. I can trust that God will then bless the hard working alumni with laborers. Brothers and Sisters of old returning with great zeal and new ideas after finding balance in their lives. And more importantly I trust that God will continue to strengthen those who feel like they're at the end of their rope in laboring. They feel tired, worn out, and just done... but, my God... if we only trust Him. Trust the One that has called us, trust the One who has continued to provide, trust the One who has shown us time and time again that our physical vision and outlook have no match for what He can accomplish.

Daddy, Thank you. Thank you for continuing to amaze us. Thank you for continuing to show us that our little glimpse of what can come through the organization of Alpha Nu Omega, Inc. is too small but Your power is so great. Daddy, I thank you for the MART, to labor with people of determination and integrity, to labor with people who seek your guidance and vision in outstanding.Continue to bless their lives and all that they do. Daddy, you rock!!!

Diayle J. Callaway-Pinckney, M.Ed., LCPC, CNT

After waking up feeling really lethargic and kinda out of it, I decided to stay home today. With the extra bit of time I sent a few e-mails and just relaxed. Eventually I got myself together to go to tht nail shop. So, with coupons in hand i headed out. If I didn't have a coupon to this place I would have never gone, and I will never go again. I can see why they had to send coupons out in the mail!

The experience was mediocre at best, but the part of the outing that blew my life was the calculation of the price: gel fill =$18, nail repair & cutdown = $6, and a french manicure =$7! Are you kidding me! For those who don't know, when you get a fill typically they paint the WHOLE nail for no extra charge, but you charge me $7 to paint a quarter of my nail?!? This needs to be my side hustle IMMEDIATELY. watch out world? Diayle J. Callaway-Pinckney, M. Ed., LCPC, CNT (Certified Nail Technician) is coming!

Dating yourself...

After a tiring day with the kiddies, I treated myself to a Applebee's Blondie, but the catch was I went alone. It was sorta late when I made the final decision to head out. I'd spent time getting ready for today, watched SYTYCD and Glee (which surprisingly was pretty good), then decided to head out. Several years ago, that wouldn't have been an option. Going out alone and actually sitting in the restaurant, no haps captain. I would feel odd and out of place, or I would have sat on my phone the entire time talking to anyone who would answer the phone to avoid the looks of the other guest that would take petty on me. Well, this past summer I've learned to date myself. I went to a movie and out to dessert and it wasn't that bad. I was able to reflect on the day, savor my food and simply feel content.

Last night during my warm dessert, which recently has become a favorite! I caught the eye of a few people who were giving me that look, "aww, she's here alone", "I wonder if she's being stood up", etc. So, I began thinking about it... I know that we're in need of relationship and companionship, that's how we've been wired, people need people. But, are we missing out on a facet of life by night dating ourselves? Would male-female relationships be better, if we took the time to develop a sense of contentment? If we developed a better understanding of ourselves? Putting aside the judgmental eyes of society to simply become comfortable in our own skin. Would men & women gain a better sense of self-confidence? Would men & women make better decisions by thinking through things on their own rather than running everything by their "date"?

Some years ago, I would have ordered my dessert to go, which would have resulted in soupy ice cream, rather than sit and think... As I sat in that booth and thought about the day, thought about my responsibilities and even thought about writing this blog, I began to appreciate me. I began to appreciate my life, despite all that has gone on this year, the good and the bad, I can appreciate life. During these times, I'm able to ask the tough questions... am I'm going to go into work tomorrow? What should I wear this weekend? Should I bother going back to school in January or just start looking for a job? Try dating yourself, enjoy where you are... enjoy who you are... experience the life around you without the clutter of "wine & cheese" conversation. Take it all in!

A New Beginning...

On April 7, 2001... I was given a name that for a while I could have lived without... not the letters that I worked sooo hard for, but the name "The Fugitive"... yeah, I could have left that one. I thought it was so negative as I stood next to "The P.I." and "The Sheriff". But, as the years have passed, I've grown to love the name, I've learned to see how it is truly a reflection of me.

A definition of fugitive is...a person who is fleeing, from prosecution, intolerable circumstances, etc.; a runaway: a fugitive from justice; a fugitive from a dictatorial regime.

After almost 9 years of membership, I've come to realize lately in all that has gone on around me, that I am indeed a fugitive. Recently, I began an internship for my School Counseling Master's at an elementary school in Columbia, MD. After 5 years of teaching HS, dealing with small, crying children, is drastically different from what I'm use to. The purpose of this blog, will be my thoughts about my internship, this career transition, and life in general. But, the title has a purpose, this time in my life is in fact an escape. In the fall of 2001, after days of fasting, God revealed that teaching was not what He desired of me, but in fact I would go into counseling and begin to make changes of people's view of this often taboo arena. As I begin to work with the students at this school, I'm reminded of all that I've escaped from, all that could have consumed my life and it makes me so grateful, but it also makes my heart heavy... but that will come in future posts ;-).

so, you're welcome to read... but, I can't guarantee that you'll be entertained...