Classroom of Suffering...

Happy Birthday Dalmaree M'Blouah Nayreau! Today she would have been 27. On July 5, 2004, my best friend passed away suddenly. I felt so many feelings on that day, grief, hurt, surprise, numbness, but I also felt God's will. For those of you who truly know me, you know that I'm a sap. Underneath this "hard" exterior, it quietly, a girly-girl, romantic comedies make me misty at times, but typically I don't do crying in public. However, in the self-checkout line of Home Depot with a sister from Theta I wept. I received a phone call from another friend of Nay's, my nickname for her, when two good friends have the same starting initial we both can't go by "D". I was D she was Nay and together we were unstoppable, who said that the Drs didn't know what else to do, so I should just pray. While I stood there receipt in hand, the flood gates opened, I cried. My chest felt tight and I cried. Then the "exterior" returned. I had to get to the hospital and I had to get there quick. After calling another friend and my parents to get directions to the hospital, I was told to come home. No one wanted me to drive myself, but everyone was taking too long to get me to her side. I wanted to touch her, I wanted to pray for her, I wanted to change the world for her and her mother.

You see, Nay was an only child being raised by a single mom, to some that seems like no big deal. Nay was Liberian. Her culture was that as a child she would take care of her mother, but now Mommy Nayreau has no one. But, as I rode in the back seat, while my father took the scenic route to Holy Cross Hospital, which again seemed to take HOURS, I sat with my head back and just prayed. We arrived at the hospital and I just prayed, until God said "worship me, My will is being done". So, I excused myself, went to the bathroom, stepped into a stall and sang. Not, the under your breath, humming worship. But, solo, standing in front of the mic, sang. I'm sure ppl walking by heard me, but it didn't matter, my God said to worship Him because His will was being done. I moved onto the second song and heard the door open and a second voice, then a third. We worshiped... we cried. After finally going upstairs, we sat in a waiting room full of ppl before Mommy came out to say, "it is finished". Dalmaree passed away at 21 years old. Even though my heart ACHED, I had a sense of peace. Every year the hurt returns on/around July 5th and Sept 30th. My heart feels sad, my life feels a little gray. She's missed so much, my five years of teaching, Jamiel graduating from high school, my relationship with Justin, she'll miss my wedding, she'll miss Samantha's baby, she missed Ayana's little boy and her wedding.

Today, September 30, 2009, I cried again from the pain of the loss of my friend. I miss her. On Sunday, Pastor Battle talked about the classroom of suffering. I hadn't been to Zion all month. With being out of town and doing other things, I hadn't been. But, this Sunday, I sat between two friends, who in the last 18 months have been through some things. One struggling with a virus that she doesn't understand and doesn't want to continue to deal with the burden of and the other who continues and will continue to feel the loss of her husband. During worship we were able to worship together, we were able to lift our hands for our various issues along with the other people at Zion. But, during the message one friend felt free enough to allow her tears of pain to flow, even as she chuckled along with others at "I'm finite.. I'm from Fairmont Heights". Her tears provoked my nature to comfort and pray, I put my arm around her and just be there. But, I want so desperately to hug away her pain, to bring back a happiness that she lost but I can't. I can't do that for Mommy Nayreau, I can't take away my sister's frustration with her illness, I can't remove my own hurt for the loss of a woman, who in 10th grade we were going to fight in World Civilization, but my June of 2000 we were ready and willing to throw blows together against someone else, then again in the summer of 2001 we were ready to go jump on the guy who thought it was okay to beat up Samantha. I can't take away the pain that any of us feel, I can simply worship God. In all of this, in all the pain we experience, I have to remember to worship, because His voice will still whisper, My Will is being done.