Classroom of Suffering...

Happy Birthday Dalmaree M'Blouah Nayreau! Today she would have been 27. On July 5, 2004, my best friend passed away suddenly. I felt so many feelings on that day, grief, hurt, surprise, numbness, but I also felt God's will. For those of you who truly know me, you know that I'm a sap. Underneath this "hard" exterior, it quietly, a girly-girl, romantic comedies make me misty at times, but typically I don't do crying in public. However, in the self-checkout line of Home Depot with a sister from Theta I wept. I received a phone call from another friend of Nay's, my nickname for her, when two good friends have the same starting initial we both can't go by "D". I was D she was Nay and together we were unstoppable, who said that the Drs didn't know what else to do, so I should just pray. While I stood there receipt in hand, the flood gates opened, I cried. My chest felt tight and I cried. Then the "exterior" returned. I had to get to the hospital and I had to get there quick. After calling another friend and my parents to get directions to the hospital, I was told to come home. No one wanted me to drive myself, but everyone was taking too long to get me to her side. I wanted to touch her, I wanted to pray for her, I wanted to change the world for her and her mother.

You see, Nay was an only child being raised by a single mom, to some that seems like no big deal. Nay was Liberian. Her culture was that as a child she would take care of her mother, but now Mommy Nayreau has no one. But, as I rode in the back seat, while my father took the scenic route to Holy Cross Hospital, which again seemed to take HOURS, I sat with my head back and just prayed. We arrived at the hospital and I just prayed, until God said "worship me, My will is being done". So, I excused myself, went to the bathroom, stepped into a stall and sang. Not, the under your breath, humming worship. But, solo, standing in front of the mic, sang. I'm sure ppl walking by heard me, but it didn't matter, my God said to worship Him because His will was being done. I moved onto the second song and heard the door open and a second voice, then a third. We worshiped... we cried. After finally going upstairs, we sat in a waiting room full of ppl before Mommy came out to say, "it is finished". Dalmaree passed away at 21 years old. Even though my heart ACHED, I had a sense of peace. Every year the hurt returns on/around July 5th and Sept 30th. My heart feels sad, my life feels a little gray. She's missed so much, my five years of teaching, Jamiel graduating from high school, my relationship with Justin, she'll miss my wedding, she'll miss Samantha's baby, she missed Ayana's little boy and her wedding.

Today, September 30, 2009, I cried again from the pain of the loss of my friend. I miss her. On Sunday, Pastor Battle talked about the classroom of suffering. I hadn't been to Zion all month. With being out of town and doing other things, I hadn't been. But, this Sunday, I sat between two friends, who in the last 18 months have been through some things. One struggling with a virus that she doesn't understand and doesn't want to continue to deal with the burden of and the other who continues and will continue to feel the loss of her husband. During worship we were able to worship together, we were able to lift our hands for our various issues along with the other people at Zion. But, during the message one friend felt free enough to allow her tears of pain to flow, even as she chuckled along with others at "I'm finite.. I'm from Fairmont Heights". Her tears provoked my nature to comfort and pray, I put my arm around her and just be there. But, I want so desperately to hug away her pain, to bring back a happiness that she lost but I can't. I can't do that for Mommy Nayreau, I can't take away my sister's frustration with her illness, I can't remove my own hurt for the loss of a woman, who in 10th grade we were going to fight in World Civilization, but my June of 2000 we were ready and willing to throw blows together against someone else, then again in the summer of 2001 we were ready to go jump on the guy who thought it was okay to beat up Samantha. I can't take away the pain that any of us feel, I can simply worship God. In all of this, in all the pain we experience, I have to remember to worship, because His voice will still whisper, My Will is being done.

Old Fashion?!?!?!

Over the past few months I've had conversations with different people about the current nature of male/female relationships. But, after a conversation with a good friend last night, shout out to DrBemps, we came to realize that we just might be old fashion. He is currently taking a class that focuses on the interactions of Black Males and Black Females, and during one class discussion, the concept of women asking me out became the topic of conversation. It was after his recap of the class discussion that we both realized that we might just be old fashion. It is the expectation that a guy approach a girl, that a guy pursue the girl as well as take charge. However, Dr. found that in his class this was far from the male perspective. The male perspective was that a girl should approach the guy, that everything should be dutch and a guy paying for the date is far from an option. Earlier this summer a female friend and I had a similar conversation. She was telling me about an experience she had on the metro, it went sorta like this... "he looked at her, she looked at him, he waited for her to approach, she hit me up on bbm to tell me about how whack he was for not being man enough to step to her"... end scene.

So, these two events combined with a few other casual discussions have led me to believe that I, along with a majority of my friends, may be old fashion. And by old fashion I mean, as a female I expect a male to approach me and make his intentions know, as a female I would feel weird about asking out a guy that I like, and... and that's just the way it is. Now, there are a few "gray area" situations... but the major one that I've seen is the transition from good friends to committed couple. This can deviate from the norm of.. guy approaches girl, girl sets standard of "hard to get", guy continues to pursue. Even though, I've experienced this transition first hand, there is still a certain level of male approach involved.

After taking two days to write this blog, my major question is... why has this "system" of dating, courtship, "talking", whatever you want to call it changed? Are the people 25+ really that different from those who are still in undergrad? Or has there been a break in communication from parents/guardians as to what a male should do in dating relationships? Or is this another issue in which our parents' practices and behaviors have impacted our behaviors, so we need to do some self-evaluations to change our mentality.



Comments and discussion are welcome!!!

Green Eyed Monster vs. A Green Thumb

In the last few months I have seen and had conversations with almost every guy I dated since High School. I always had mixed feelings in seeing them, but mostly the situations brought up memories. Memories of happy times, memories on how the relationships started and definitely how they ended. Some of those relationships began with a "grass is greener" mentality, either I was in a relationship before we started dating or he was in a relationship. In reflecting on these relationships, I thought more on that old phrase, the grass is greener on the other side. Now, that I look back on those relationships and think about the awesome relationship I have now, I have a different perspective on that old phrase.

The grass appears to be greener on the other side, but what is the other owner doing? Is your grass drying up because you fail to invest time, energy and resources into the maintenance and upkeep of your property. Is the other owner watering their lawn (relationship) with the resource of effective communication, wise counsel and spiritual insight or are you relying on the weather to nourish your investment? Weather is just as unpredictable as life, thunderstorms come with such intensity as sexual temptations, an interested colleague, or self imposed drama.

For me this insight came in looking at past relationships, but the same can be said for the other things we view as investments. Are we envious of someone else's spiritual gifts, talents, and/or ministries, but fail to do what is needed to experience growth in our own lives. Are we frustrated that we aren't advancing in our careers, but fail to arrive on time, take the initiative to improve your standing at work, etc.

So, I challenge you to ask yourself, what are you looking at with a green eye rather than getting down and dirty with a GREEN THUMB!

MAR Retreat...

The long awaited retreat has to a degree come and gone. All that remains in corporate worship on the campus of Delaware State University. It's been YEARS since I've been in this area for ANQ related business, but I'm glad to be here. Two weeks ago, I can honestly say I was concerned. Concerned that things wouldn't fall into place, concerned that it would rain and the cookout would be ruined, concerned that folks wouldn't show, concerned that people wouldn't enjoy themselves. But, God reminded me that my faith isn't small enough... as in small as a mustard seed. He has trusted the MART with a great task and I short changed His abilities. When 125 people showed up in the Spring, when we doubted, I shouldn't have continued to trust on the past experiences. When He has done more than enough for us. And I'm sure some folks with return to their campuses and grip, they will return to their chapters and complain, but I am more than confident that those people will be in the small percentage. I can trust that God is developing leaders, I can trust that God is building up a new, unique and energized membership that are ready to devastate the kingdom of darkness under the banner of Alpha Nu Omega, Inc. with a new sense of ownership to the greatness that comes with membership. I can trust that God is going to move from the bottom -- up. Impacting first the undergraduate members to change the way they think, the way they function and the way they operate on their campuses to fall into holiness rather into sin. To seek out deeper relationships with Him in order to manifest His vision for the organization and their lives with passion. I can trust that God will then bless the hard working alumni with laborers. Brothers and Sisters of old returning with great zeal and new ideas after finding balance in their lives. And more importantly I trust that God will continue to strengthen those who feel like they're at the end of their rope in laboring. They feel tired, worn out, and just done... but, my God... if we only trust Him. Trust the One that has called us, trust the One who has continued to provide, trust the One who has shown us time and time again that our physical vision and outlook have no match for what He can accomplish.

Daddy, Thank you. Thank you for continuing to amaze us. Thank you for continuing to show us that our little glimpse of what can come through the organization of Alpha Nu Omega, Inc. is too small but Your power is so great. Daddy, I thank you for the MART, to labor with people of determination and integrity, to labor with people who seek your guidance and vision in outstanding.Continue to bless their lives and all that they do. Daddy, you rock!!!

Diayle J. Callaway-Pinckney, M.Ed., LCPC, CNT

After waking up feeling really lethargic and kinda out of it, I decided to stay home today. With the extra bit of time I sent a few e-mails and just relaxed. Eventually I got myself together to go to tht nail shop. So, with coupons in hand i headed out. If I didn't have a coupon to this place I would have never gone, and I will never go again. I can see why they had to send coupons out in the mail!

The experience was mediocre at best, but the part of the outing that blew my life was the calculation of the price: gel fill =$18, nail repair & cutdown = $6, and a french manicure =$7! Are you kidding me! For those who don't know, when you get a fill typically they paint the WHOLE nail for no extra charge, but you charge me $7 to paint a quarter of my nail?!? This needs to be my side hustle IMMEDIATELY. watch out world? Diayle J. Callaway-Pinckney, M. Ed., LCPC, CNT (Certified Nail Technician) is coming!

Dating yourself...

After a tiring day with the kiddies, I treated myself to a Applebee's Blondie, but the catch was I went alone. It was sorta late when I made the final decision to head out. I'd spent time getting ready for today, watched SYTYCD and Glee (which surprisingly was pretty good), then decided to head out. Several years ago, that wouldn't have been an option. Going out alone and actually sitting in the restaurant, no haps captain. I would feel odd and out of place, or I would have sat on my phone the entire time talking to anyone who would answer the phone to avoid the looks of the other guest that would take petty on me. Well, this past summer I've learned to date myself. I went to a movie and out to dessert and it wasn't that bad. I was able to reflect on the day, savor my food and simply feel content.

Last night during my warm dessert, which recently has become a favorite! I caught the eye of a few people who were giving me that look, "aww, she's here alone", "I wonder if she's being stood up", etc. So, I began thinking about it... I know that we're in need of relationship and companionship, that's how we've been wired, people need people. But, are we missing out on a facet of life by night dating ourselves? Would male-female relationships be better, if we took the time to develop a sense of contentment? If we developed a better understanding of ourselves? Putting aside the judgmental eyes of society to simply become comfortable in our own skin. Would men & women gain a better sense of self-confidence? Would men & women make better decisions by thinking through things on their own rather than running everything by their "date"?

Some years ago, I would have ordered my dessert to go, which would have resulted in soupy ice cream, rather than sit and think... As I sat in that booth and thought about the day, thought about my responsibilities and even thought about writing this blog, I began to appreciate me. I began to appreciate my life, despite all that has gone on this year, the good and the bad, I can appreciate life. During these times, I'm able to ask the tough questions... am I'm going to go into work tomorrow? What should I wear this weekend? Should I bother going back to school in January or just start looking for a job? Try dating yourself, enjoy where you are... enjoy who you are... experience the life around you without the clutter of "wine & cheese" conversation. Take it all in!

A New Beginning...

On April 7, 2001... I was given a name that for a while I could have lived without... not the letters that I worked sooo hard for, but the name "The Fugitive"... yeah, I could have left that one. I thought it was so negative as I stood next to "The P.I." and "The Sheriff". But, as the years have passed, I've grown to love the name, I've learned to see how it is truly a reflection of me.

A definition of fugitive is...a person who is fleeing, from prosecution, intolerable circumstances, etc.; a runaway: a fugitive from justice; a fugitive from a dictatorial regime.

After almost 9 years of membership, I've come to realize lately in all that has gone on around me, that I am indeed a fugitive. Recently, I began an internship for my School Counseling Master's at an elementary school in Columbia, MD. After 5 years of teaching HS, dealing with small, crying children, is drastically different from what I'm use to. The purpose of this blog, will be my thoughts about my internship, this career transition, and life in general. But, the title has a purpose, this time in my life is in fact an escape. In the fall of 2001, after days of fasting, God revealed that teaching was not what He desired of me, but in fact I would go into counseling and begin to make changes of people's view of this often taboo arena. As I begin to work with the students at this school, I'm reminded of all that I've escaped from, all that could have consumed my life and it makes me so grateful, but it also makes my heart heavy... but that will come in future posts ;-).

so, you're welcome to read... but, I can't guarantee that you'll be entertained...